A lot of change happens in our twenties. I’ve seen those funny posts go around saying that we have friends in every stage of life – friends who are single, friends who are married, friends who are parents… and I think that is so true!

All jokes aside, we are never really taught how to deal with this. We are going through constant change and so are our friends around us. How do we maintain friendships and balance our work and home life too? 

I believe that one of the keys as Christians always involves going back to the gospel. Are we incorporating the gospel into our friendships, into the interactions that we have in our lives? How exactly do we do that?

Getting Your Expectations of Friendships Right

First, I think it’s important to understand the expectations we have of friendship and why we have them. As Christians we are called to higher standards, but at the same time, no one is perfect.

There are also a lot of unrealistic expectations of what true friendship should look like. We expect it to be easy and lighthearted, when sometimes it involves a lot of work and effort, especially in being real and honest with each other. 

I see friendship in the movies portrayed as fun nights out, sharing secrets and having each other’s back.

Which is true. But what if friendship is also just simply calling a friend and praying for them? Or being willing to meet them halfway somewhere, even if you’ve moved far apart? Or being able to move past and forgive each other’s differences? These are the aspects of friendship that don’t really get romanticized in the movies.

Jesus was not always friends with people who were “easy” to be friends with – take Judas for example, who betrayed him, or Zaccheaus, who was kind of a social outcast. It’s not easy to be a good friend to someone who has hurt us, or someone who might not understand us. It’s not easy to be real and honest with each other when we’ve been hurt by people in the past.

I talked to a friend recently about the idea I had for this blog about friendships. She said one thing she feels is absolutely necessary in friendships is vulnerability. Being open and honest about the way we feel is a MUST. I know it can be difficult if we’ve felt betrayed by friends in the past. Maybe there were shared secrets that were twisted and spread as gossip. And if that has happened to you, I am so sorry. Please seek healing so you can open up again because we cannot move forward if we do not open up.

In order to know Christianly expectations of friendship we should have, we must go back to God’s word and see what Jesus did, and what Paul and other Biblical characters have to teach us about friendship.

What God’s Word Says About Friendship

There can be some heart-ache involved in friendships, particularly when friends are at different stages of life, because it might feel like the other person is moving on without you, or that they don’t understand where you are at. But I encourage you to continue to try to cultivate good friendships, even when it’s hard, because that is what Jesus would do. As Christina Fox points out in her book, Closer Than a Sister:

• Jesus still called Peter his friend and said he would give Peter the keys to the Kingdom, even though he knew that Peter would deny him three times. (John 18:27, Matt. 16:19)
• Jesus also asked his disciples to keep watch and pray for him during his time of need. Instead, the disciples fell asleep! When Jesus needed them most, they fell asleep! Imagine how that would have been a disappointment to Jesus. YET, he remained their friend. (Matt. 26:36-45)
• Jesus washed Judas’ feet, even though He knew that Judas was going to betray him (John 13).

I’m not saying you should keep all the people who betrayed you in your life. I’m not saying to let them walk all over you and keep “turning the other cheek” when you need to let them go. Jesus also had boundaries and let people go when necessary (Mark 10:17-24, John 6:60-66). He was not friends with everyone all the time (for example, the Pharisees), so don’t put pressure on yourself to be friends with everyone.

There is, however, a difference between a toxic friendship and a friendship that is just going through a tough time. Sometimes friendship might require a bit more sacrifice, forgiveness, and grace than we may think, before we decide to give up.

I have found the most rewarding friendships to be the ones that have gone with me through tough times, have seen me at my worst, still loved me, and also confronted me at necessary times.

There are also many other stories in the old testament that teach us about friendship – for example, Ruth and even Job. We just have to dig deep to see what God is teaching us about friendship through their stories.

Friends at Different Stages of Life: Offering Grace

I’ve heard a lot of people complain about their friends going through life changes, saying things like, “so and so just doesn’t get it because they’re single and don’t have any kids” or “this person doesn’t understand my life struggles right now because they’re too busy taking care of kids, or invested in their new love life or getting their doctorate or…” the list goes on.

And while I understand that we are all busy in our own lives, something Fox wrote really struck me:

“For many of us, our time is closely gaurded commodity. We spend it on ourselves and our family and then we are all out. To interrupt our schedules in order to visit someone who is sick, or to bring food to someone who needs it… that goes beyond our comfort level. But when a sister is in need, God calls us to give whatever we have. We are to give as Christ has given, even if it means interrupting our plans.“(72)¹

I’ve been guilty of being too busy and I’ve also been guilty of complaining about others. I am not a perfect friend, nor will I ever be. But this is where we need to apply the gospel. Remembering that we are all sinners and have all been saved by grace helps us give both ourselves, and our friends, the grace we need in order to cultivate a true sisterly bond.

And please don’t hear me wrong when I preach about grace – I am not saying that you should entertain toxic friendships in the name of grace. No, you can forgive and give grace, and still hold the person from the toxic friendship at a distance, out of respect for yourself.

Often, when friends are going through life changes, we need to hold extra grace for each other because emotions might be high and physical surroundings might be changing. Though I recognize that these kinds of changes feel different for everyone, and people handle change at varying degrees, we need to have a spirit of understanding towards one another (Eph. 4:32, 1 Peter 3:8.)

One friend might be having a baby while balancing a career. Another friend might be getting married while still in school, and another friend might be single and travelling. We have to remember that though we might all be living very different lives, the Lord still calls us to deeper relationship with one another.

The amazing thing about being in the body of Christ is that when there is such a wonderful diversity of personalities, life stages and cultures amongst us, what we all have in common is our love for Jesus. And through our love for Jesus, comes our love for ourselves and each other too.

When to Let Go of Friendships: Dealing with Consistent Betrayal

I mentioned earlier how Jesus washed Judas’ feet even when he knew that Judas was going to betray him. What if Judah kept betraying him? What if Peter kept denying him? While I know God would continue to love them, and that His grace for them would continue, there would come a point when it’s obvious that they are not choosing Jesus and instead rejecting him.

Jesus has been rejected many times and knows exactly how we feel when we face betrayal and rejection in our own friendships.

One of my sisters went through a few tough friendships that unfortunately resulted in the termination of them. For whatever reason, these friends, one by one, left her. She felt betrayed and rejected. While she will be the first to admit she had some faults in each friendship, the fact that none of the friends stuck around to discuss their feelings and sort things out, was devastating.

When I asked her to share what she learnt from her experiences, she wrote:

“Betrayal is a hard thing in a friendship. But it happens. And if it happens, it takes a lot of healing. The most important part is saying ‘God, I accept the consequences of my friend’s actions and forgive them for hurting me (and anyone else involved)’. It brings so much freedom from bitterness.

I used to say ‘I forgive them’ every time I remembered them because it brought up such negative feelings. But ever since saying those words out loud to God (I accept the consequences of their actions….) I think of them without any bitterness in my heart.

No matter what the offence may be, the steps for reconciliation are the same: write up your hurts, tell them to your friend, and let them know what you would like to see happen in order for the relationship to grow or heal, and ask them to share their feelings as well (with a genuine open ear).And if the other is not willing to work toward reconciliation, it still hurts, but you know that you’ve done all you can do, and you can rest in God’s sovereignty over your friendships. Some are okay to let go.”

Unfortunately, even in the body of Christ, the devastation of losing friendships this way happens. Sin happens. Satan attacks our friends, and us, and sometimes we give in to him.

I definitely have not been a perfect friend and have made a lot of mistakes. I  have been too afraid to say how I really feel, put up too many boundaries and also not put up enough, and have needed to ask for forgiveness. I have cared too much and also not cared enough. I have become defensive about things and snapped at people. 

But Glory to God that there IS forgiveness and true healing! Even if the other person does not want reconciliation, we know we can have true healing in our hearts with Christ.

In the end…

In the end, we are all God’s children, holy and dearly loved (Col. 3:12) and we must remember this in our friendships too. When we choose to see each other the way God sees us, we can learn how to treat each other well.

Sometimes “treating each other well” does mean ending a friendship. Paul and Barnabas parted ways over a disagreement (Acts 15:36-41), but that didn’t mean God didn’t use that for His own glory.

Maybe you need to end a friendship, or let someone drift apart from you. That’s okay. Some friends come and go. Some friends you only see once a year. Some friends you squeeze like there’s no tomorrow. And some friends just get you and will always be there when you need them, and I’ve been so grateful for those friends in my life ❤️

To summarize, based off the Bible, Christina Fox’s writings, mine and my sister’s experiences, here is my best friendship advice:

• Look to Christ ALWAYS, in every circumstance & friendship because He knows best and is the absolute best friend you could ever have! Put Him above all other friends.
• Do not cultivate a friendship if it is toxic.
• Know the difference between a toxic relationship and a relationship that is tough and just needs some work & sacrifice
• When dealing with betrayal, seek healing from Jesus, learn to forgive and “accept the consequences of their actions”.
• Respect the stage of life different friends are at, be there for each other, but also know that it’s ok to let friends go. Jesus wasn’t friends with everyone, and He is also the “bestest” friend that any of us can have!
• Be open, honest, & vulnerable. Instead of complaining to someone else that your friend “doesn’t get it”, go to that friend and tell them how you feel. You might be surprised at how you can work out a compromise, or how that person might feel.
• With each friendship, you are going to have to figure out what works best because everyone has different personalities and might be in a different stage of life

May your loving friendships flourish, may the toxic ones end, and may the Lord continue to guide us and give us wisdom for each friendship in our lives.❤️

1. Fox, Christina. Closer Than a Sister. Christian Focus Publications, Ltd., 2017. ↩︎